Hell’s Cloud Ops

Been watching Hell’s Kitchen in the background while working on some projects and I think it would make an awesome cloud operations show and a fun way to communicate some core concepts. Imagine…..

Chef in calm voice – OK team, today we are working on providing a tasty SQL service for our customer that will be used from a fairly basic application. Off you go.

<contestants scurry off to their workstation areas>

<chef wanders over to Bob>

Chef angry – Bob, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Bob – I’m creating each VM to be part of the SQL cluster I’m creating

Chef furious – You’re creating each VM one at a time in the portal???? Oh my god! Is your computer made of red and yellow plastic with “My first” written on the top of it? At least I see you’re using Availability Sets for some resiliency but this is ridiculous. How will you ensure consistency? How will you scale to creating 50 instances of this? How would this integrate with DevOps. Start again, use Infrastructure as Code and if I see you in a portal that mouse will be going where the sun doesn’t shine.

Bob – Yes chef!

<15 minutes later Bob presents his template>

Chef – OK, nice template, good resources. oh no no no no. What have you done????? WHY HAVE YOU HARD CODED values in the resources section??? WHERE IS THE PARAMETER FILE?? How are you going to change control this? How will you deploy this between different environments, deploy between different instances. You donkey! Take environment specific values out of the template and get them in a parameter file! Then you have one, change controlled template. Environment, instance specific values are completely separate! IDIOT! FIX THIS!

<5 minutes later Bob returns>

Chef – Lets see. Good parameter use, lets look at the parameter file. DONKEY! Are you here to destroy the company??? WHYYYYY do you have the administrator password in the parameter file???

Bob – I needed it to join the machines to the domain via the domain join extension chef

Chef – And you felt the best way to do that was to place that password in the file that you then uploaded to a repository??? Your companies most important password is now known to everyone and a group of teenagers has taken over your company, your wife has left you and your kids pretend they are adopted they are so embarrassed. Good luck stocking vending machines after destroying your company. IDIOT! Where would be a better place do you think? CAN YOU THINK?

Bob – Azure Key Vault chef

Chef – Can you do that? are you capable. DO IT! And heaven help you if you forget to update the vault’s advanced access policy to allow use of the secret from ARM template deployments.

<5 minutes and Bob returns>

Chef – Lets see how you can ruin my day now. This is acceptable. Will work well. Nice use of secrets. I see you even created a release pipeline. Now tell me, why didn’t you just use Azure SQL database?

<A small tear rolls down Bob’s cheek and credits roll>

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